the phone died

you hung up

weekend bats

this weekend is going to make me crazy. it's jesse's birthday today and we celebrated at midnight. i passed out all extra ass early, as i did the night before after band practice. i think i have narcolepsy and need to start doing uppers. well, i guess beer isn't narcolepsy. i drank a lot last night. i woke up this morning hoping to eat some leftover mexican food, and surprise, it's not there, and this band from lawrence who i actually really dislike is staying at my house again because other people who are staying at my house invited them to join in and also stay at my house. i want these assholes out so my old band, a much better and cooler bunch of people can stay on my couches. this shit is too convoluted. it worries me that i've passed out so early lately. i'm going to the studio where samothrace is recording today to hang out, get stoned, maybe see if i can play drums on a track for the LP. i'm going to kill whoever ate my sopa. oh man this kind of shit sure gets my head out of books and back into real life.

nausea

ive been in the library for three hours. derrida is making me feel sick. i just want to write some stories. theory is all well and good but it must be transformed into an art of beauty instead of a washing away of hope and unhope. stories. i like stories and books and paintings and movies. i miss zizek. let's talk soooooooon willie

Trying not to feel crazy. Trying not to feel crazy. Trying not to go off my rocker. Trying not to wig out. Trying to resolve intense anxiety. Trying not to feel like tangible words are streaming out of my ears in big spreading cones as my head deforms, cartoon-like, under a strong whap from a wiffle ball bat made out of craziness. Trying not to read into everything until it becomes absurd. Trying not to be wrenched with jealousy and envy. Trying to keep it together. Trying to look cool. Trying to think about schoolwork and do schoolwork. Trying not to cling. Trying not to look too nonchalant. Trying to find comfort not clinging and not dropping it and not being jealous. Trying not to tip my hand and show my cards. Trying to find some acid. Hoping I don't feel like this while I'm on acid.

okay willie, i am putting so much trust into this trip because i believe in the utter lack of knowing the future and taking things as they come...... in other words, i believe in adventure.

im really happy right now. so excited. im not going to call you because im shy and nervous and weird and mostly just shy with you. im just counting down the days...

I am ludicrously happy that you are coming with us on this trip. You are the reason I am trying to make it happen and make it fun and make it interesting and a beautiful experience, because I want you to have brilliant experiences. That's what I want to think about now, before I go on this trip, so that I don't bring along a lot of tenseness and worrying about what you're thinking as I plan and try to keep things together to some degree. Am I being too natural and cool? It's because I'm making a very strong effort to be that way. Sometimes I'm busy and need to keep my cool even though I do very much want to dote on you.
Nothing is forgotten and there is a powerful history which moves forward even now. We will both change strongly in some way on this trip, and I think I need to try to pretend everything is completely normal until we are well and truly on the road in order to keep my shit together and not forget to bring any water. Nothing ever ends, even if it changes so strongly you don't know what it was before. Dead and gone is a phrase I'd like to save for when the first one of us attends another's funeral. I will tell you whatever the key few words are to this cryptic monologue when we are together to undergo a transformative experience. Understand that the skies in my mind are still thickly clouded with a complete lack of knowledge about what the future really holds.What I'm saying is that the drama of our interactions could be so much more productive if we lay on our backs looking at the entirety of the Milky Way and trick ourselves into feeling that we're sucked onto the side of the planet instead of communicated in these days before by text message.

masculine feminine

why didn't you come early to my apartment on saturday? why do you answer your phone so nonchalantly when i call? why do you say some things but never really say them?

it might be that this is dead and gone and im still wondering about it all. it's funny how things are so easy to drop if it doesnt look like it's going your way. but if you really believe something then why is it so easy to give up?

you confuse me and I guess I confuse you.